When Your Child is a Bully

What does it mean to bully?

Children who bully act aggressively toward others. The aggressive acts can be physical, sexual, or verbal. Those targeted are called victims.

What are examples of bullying behaviors?

Physical bullying includes hitting, pinching, kicking, biting, or pulling hair.

Verbal bullying includes name-calling, starting or spreading rumors, teasing, and threatening to hurt the person if the person does not do what the bully demands.

Sexual bullying includes making sexually suggestive remarks to humiliate someone or threatening unwanted sexual acts. It may also include unwanted touch, such as snapping a bra strap.

How can adults tell the difference between horseplay and bullying? It helps to look at the actions from the victim's point of view. Does the victim consider the aggressive actions to be fun? Or is the victim distressed or in physical or emotional pain?

Why do children become bullies?

Children and teens who bully do so for many reasons. They may be bored and want excitement. They may once have been victims of bullying and now bully others to feel powerful. They may seek revenge. They may pick on others to become more popular. They dislike differences and target anyone they see as different. Bullies simply do not care that what they are doing or saying is hurtful to the victim.

Many children who bully have parents who are overly harsh, or verbally or physically abusive to them. Some children who bully have parents who allow them to do anything they want. When parents give into their child's demanding behaviors, they show their child that bullying works.

Males are more likely to be physical bullies and females more likely to be verbal bullies. Bullies are likely to be poor students. They are also more likely to smoke and drink alcohol. Bullies are typically not loners and misfits. They are usually popular and often get others to go along with them.

What can I do to help my child stop being a bully?

The following behaviors could be helpful:

• Avoid yelling or becoming physically aggressive with your child.
• Accept that your child could possibly have been a bully. Take the time to get all the necessary information and listen to the people involved.
• Look at your own behavior. Do you belittle, intimidate, or become aggressive with others? Are you showing your child how to be a bully?
• Watch your tone and the words you use when talking to your child. Avoid criticizing who the child is and instead focus on behaviors. It is not a good idea to label your child as 'good' or 'bad'.
• Resist being overly permissive, particularly when your child is demanding something from you.
• Clearly tell your child that bullying actions must stop. Let them know the consequences for future bullying actions.
• Help your child understand how it might feel to be bullied by others, and that other people dislike bullies.
• Develop healthy ways for your child to display angry feelings without taking them out on others.
• Change unhealthy family patterns when needed, especially how family members express anger.
• Insist your child apologize to their victim(s) and replace any damaged property.
• Catch your child being good. Remember that the most important way to change behavior is to notice and reward your child when they express anger in healthy, acceptable ways.

It is important for your child to see that the adults around them (particularly parents) are following the same rules. You cannot teach children to stop bullying if they are being abused or scared by adults.

What about professional help?

If your child continues bullying others, get help for him or her as soon as possible. Treatment works better if it is started early in life. Individual, family, or group psychotherapy may help.

Your child can learn new ways of relating to others, and better ways of thinking about goals and aims. Sometimes medicine may be prescribed to help decrease aggressiveness and irritability.

Without help, bullying can lead to serious school, social, emotional, and even legal problems. Ask your child's teacher, principal, school counselor, or healthcare provider for a referral.